n MEMORY LANE Former Knicks coach Jeff Van Gundy tells HBO that he once got so obsessed with an upcoming matchup that he drove right through his garage door: "I'm thinking Grant Hill and I forgot to hit the button. I still got in the garage, but it was not the right way."
n FUNNY TNT’s Charles Barkley, on the so-called Princeton offense: "I want my attorney to come from Princeton, not any of my players."
n WOW NBC’s Jay Leno, on Tiger Woods’ ex, Elin Nordegren, demolishing her $12 million mansion in Florida, "Here’s the amazing part: She did it with a 9-iron."
n SIGN OF THE TIMES From Dwight Perry of The Seattle Times: "In two just released rankings, New England has the NFL's best cheerleaders, in the estimation of CNBC, while Travel + Leisure magazine has anointed New York as America's rudest city. A Patriots-Giants Super Bowl? Looks more like Beauties and the Beasts."
n TUBE TOPIC ABC's Jimmy Kimmel, on the Barry Bonds charges that stuck: "Obstruction of justice, as well as obstructing anyone that sat behind him in a movie theater."
n QUOTE OF THE DAY Comedian Chris Rock, to CBS' David Letterman, on why he could never be a Yankees fan: "They got all the money. It's like rooting for Steve Jobs to hit the Lotto or something."
n WEB GEM Rick Reilly of ESPN.com, on the Lakers’ Kobe Bryant still going strong at 33: "An irresistible force of nature, like an avalanche or Justin Bieber."
n QUOTE OF THE DAY Bears fan Michael Wales, as quoted in the Chicago Tribune, after getting a look at William "The Refrigerator" Perry's size-25 Super Bowl XX ring: "That's not a ring; it's like a plumbing fitting."
n DISS Zach Johnson, who ranked No. 1 on the PGA Tour by driving distance after the first round of the year’s first tournament, figures that won’t happen again: "Well, unless we had a five-man field with four Corey Pavins."
n SIGN OF THE TIMES Camel racing has never been more popular in the United Arab Emirates, where remote-controlled robots -- wielding plastic crops and speakers for voice commands -- have replaced kid jockeys in the silks.
n ODDLY Dwight Perry of The Seattle Times, after Orlando’s Dwight Howard shot 39 free throws against the Warriors to break break Wilt Chamberlain’s 50-year-old NBA record by five: "Chin up, Chamberlain fans: Wilt’s two most mythical numbers — 100 and 20,000 — are still up for grabs."
n MEMORY LANE Colts defensive line coach John Teerlinck told the St. Paul Pioneer Press that he once asked Vikings coach Bud Grant for the secret to his success: "He said, 'Four little words.' And I'm thinking it'll be words like 'faith, hope and charity, and agile, hostile, mobile.' And Bud said, 'No -- Page, Larsen, Eller and Marshall.'"
n WEB GEM Comedy writer Jerry Perisho of MonologueWriter.blogspot.com, after the Colts fired Jim Caldwell after a 2-14 season: "That’s just two more wins than you had, and you weren’t even coaching."
n TUBE TOPIC "During a charity auction over the weekend, Donald Trump bought $12,000 worth of Tim Tebow memorabilia," noted NBC’s Jimmy Fallon. "Or as it was known on Monday, ‘15 bucks’ worth of Tim Tebow memorabilia.’ "
n WEIRD Brazilian soccer player Neymar celebrated a goal by picking up a promotional mask of himself and putting it on. The referee gave him a second caution for excessive celebration and he was sent off. Punished for two faces? "That's just wrong," said Cowboys owner Jerry Jones.
n TUBE TOPIC Late-night comedian Conan O’Brien: "Kobe Bryant scored a season-high 48 points. Then his ex-wife claimed that 24 of those are rightfully hers."
n GALLERY A couple of Patriots broadcasters are interrupted by a crash:
n QUOTE OF THE DAY Sacramento Kings coach Keith Smart, responding to a Timberwolves fan who mocked his interim status: "But it's a real good part-time job — it pays really well."
n WEB GEM RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com, after an ESPN reporter said Terrell Owens could name his salary in the Canadian Football League: "Sure. Just avoid paltry or inadequate; they're taken."
n HARD TO BELIEVE Times are tough. For dinner, I gobbled up potato chip crumbs from between sofa cushions and washed them down with a cup of Kool-Aid I got in a fantasy league trade for Manny Ramirez.
n HARD TO BELIEVE Persons who do more shopping tend to live longer, according to a study published in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health. Expect Dan Snyder to own the Redskins a very long time.
n HARD TO BELIEVE "The new leader of North Korea, Kim Jong Un, is a four-star general," wrote Brad Dickson of the Omaha (Neb.) World-Herald. "That’s according to Rivals.com."
n FUNNY Cubs pitcher Matt Garza, to the Chicago Tribune, on pitching at windy Wrigley Field: "If I'm falling forward, then it's blowing in. If I'm falling back, it's blowing out. No need to look at the flags."n QUOTE OF THE DAY Mike Ditka, who coached McMahon with the Bears, once summed up his relationship with McMahon thusly: “We have a strange and wonderful relationship. He’s strange and I’m wonderful.”
n STRANGE Cam Hutchinson of the Saskatoon Express, on the estimated 160 billion planets in the Milky Way galaxy: "I’m thinking Dennis Rodman has visited all of them."
n DISS Blogger Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com: "Worst thing about Thursday night’s Lakers-Heat game? Someone had to win."